I figured out today that I say “this is the song of my life” in almost every blog post, but sometimes it’s true. Sometimes you feel like a singer or a lyricist just really gets you, and that they must have been stalking you to be able to model a song so perfectly after your own life..This is the relationship that Damien Rice and I have. I get to sob along to his music, while he watches me from some random bush outside of my window to get inspiration. Now, if I could only convince him to marry me.
The song that always seems to be “the song of my life” is “Lonelily,” by Damien Rice (obviously). The song isn’t happy.. It’s hard to explain and only someone who has truly stalked my past relationships (coughDamiencough) could possibly understand how complicated the context behind the song is.
The truth is, I’m a lonelily. I’ve been on both sides of the narrative story, but when it comes down to is I’m always the one that lets people “push under my bones.” Technically, this is just a nice way of calling me unfaithful. It’s not something I’m proud of, and for the most part it’s something I usually regret (some people deserve it), but there is no other way of describing this song any further without airing some of my dirty laundry.
Cheating stems from two things; either you are a complete ass (and you’ve been raised in a household that encourages infidelity), or you are insecure.. I’m the latter (or I was the latter). Recently I’ve taken a good look at some of the relationships that I’ve screwed up.. And I’ve realized that no affection in the world is worth the pain you cause your partner or yourself in the end. I have a guy that I care about more than the moon, harry potter, and all the Damien Rice songs in the world combined, but he can barely look at me the same way for one stupid night. I have poured out my heart and my soul with apologies, and I have let him walk all over me in hopes that he might give me the chance for forgiveness if he could break me the same way.., but I guess for now I’ll keep suffering the consequences. The truth is, he doesn’t need me in his life anymore. If you cross that boundary of trust with someone that cares about you, then you have to fully realize that they see a monster in place of the ball of insecurities that you really are/ were.
I’ve learned my lesson and I’d like to say that I’m pass this point in my life. I’m still going to be lonelily looking for someone to hold, but you had better believe that once I find that person I plan on never straying again.
"I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so alone
And you let me down
You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead
And you let me down
It's one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed"
love this song! im a big damien rice fan!
ReplyDeleteYour blog caught my eye because of the Josh Ritter reference...One of the best songwriters to come around in a while, IMHO...Seen him a few times and plan to go again to see him in Durham, NC in a few months...We're clearly on the same wavelength musically...
ReplyDeleteLonelily is one of my favorite Damien Rice songs and, unfortunately, I can identify with it in many ways as well...You write quite eloquently and the introspection you've gone through is evident...Kudos...
Looking forward to checking out more of your musings...
Scott, it's comments like yours that make me want to keep writing. Thanks, and maybe i'll see you at the show. I would love nothing more than to see Josh Ritter live.
ReplyDeleteYou might want him to take you back, but if he did, you know it would never be the same. I know; I took her back. No matter what she did, I never trusted her again. Eventually, she decided that if I couldn't trust her, there was no reason to try so fucking hard to be trustworthy.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember the night that I stayed up all night laying on your couch downstairs with you? I couldn't even cuddle. I don't feel as if I'll ever be capable of intimacy again.
Not a blog commenter, usually. Just a reader. Since you had direct experience with someone in an analogous situation to your boy's, I thought I'd let you know.
I think I've been learning that lesson the hard way. You can't erase the past, and without a certain level of maturity and trust.. you really can't get over it either.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could be capable of intimacy (and monogamy) one day, but right now I feel like no ones worth it, so I know where you're coming from. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. I hope that both of us can learn to trust and be trusted again.
I think I've been learning that lesson the hard way. You can't erase the past, and without a certain level of maturity and trust.. you really can't get over it either.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could be capable of intimacy (and monogamy) one day, but right now I feel like no ones worth it, so I know where you're coming from. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. I hope that both of us can learn to trust and be trusted again.
P.s. I wish you weren't anonymous.
There are so many variables that it is impossible to make any generalizations about relationships. For most situations, I think trust is naive. After any extended lie, the basis for trust is decreased and maturity is sorely tested. Extended lies create much collateral damage (e.g. "What else was she lying about?" "Were they all 'just friends'?").
ReplyDeleteAlso, if this person is mature enough to defeat jealousy, why is he monogamous to begin with? How long will he stay so?
Regarding my identity, I hate repeating an overused aphorism, but Oscar Wilde probably said it best: "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."
Touche'
ReplyDeleteWell Tuxedo Mask, I enjoy your commentary.