Always a Lonelily..

I figured out today that I say “this is the song of my life” in almost every blog post, but sometimes it’s true. Sometimes you feel like a singer or a lyricist just really gets you, and that they must have been stalking you to be able to model a song so perfectly after your own life..This is the relationship that Damien Rice and I have. I get to sob along to his music, while he watches me from some random bush outside of my window to get inspiration. Now, if I could only convince him to marry me.

The song that always seems to be “the song of my life” is “Lonelily,” by Damien Rice (obviously). The song isn’t happy.. It’s hard to explain and only someone who has truly stalked my past relationships (coughDamiencough) could possibly understand how complicated the context behind the song is.
The truth is, I’m a lonelily. I’ve been on both sides of the narrative story, but when it comes down to is I’m always the one that lets people “push under my bones.” Technically, this is just a nice way of calling me unfaithful. It’s not something I’m proud of, and for the most part it’s something I usually regret (some people deserve it), but there is no other way of describing this song any further without airing some of my dirty laundry.

Cheating stems from two things; either you are a complete ass (and you’ve been raised in a household that encourages infidelity), or you are insecure.. I’m the latter (or I was the latter). Recently I’ve taken a good look at some of the relationships that I’ve screwed up.. And I’ve realized that no affection in the world is worth the pain you cause your partner or yourself in the end. I have a guy that I care about more than the moon, harry potter, and all the Damien Rice songs in the world combined, but he can barely look at me the same way for one stupid night. I have poured out my heart and my soul with apologies, and I have let him walk all over me in hopes that he might give me the chance for forgiveness if he could break me the same way.., but I guess for now I’ll keep suffering the consequences. The truth is, he doesn’t need me in his life anymore. If you cross that boundary of trust with someone that cares about you, then you have to fully realize that they see a monster in place of the ball of insecurities that you really are/ were.

I’ve learned my lesson and I’d like to say that I’m pass this point in my life. I’m still going to be lonelily looking for someone to hold, but you had better believe that once I find that person I plan on never straying again.

"I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so alone
And you let me down
You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead
And you let me down
It's one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed"

What are you Doing New Years?

The holidays always seem to be really bad or really good depending on the stage you’re at in life; there just isn’t really an in-between. Either everything is going exactly as planned, or you let the few traditions and people who aren’t there ruin the entire season, because you’re thinking of what the holiday is supposed to feel like.

This year I’m already planning for the worst come New Years. In the past my family has spent every single New Years in our mountain house with a whole lot of family friends (25 of us just stowed away drinking champagne, watching the skiers come down the slopes at midnights, and sometimes setting off fireworks in the snow). Don’t get me wrong, it has been wonderful. My family is probably one the coolest families you could ever encounter (from my amazing older sister who should have had Uma Thurman’s role in Kill Bill, to my dad who embodies Atticus in every single way), but this year it may be kind of lonely. My best friend (who I usually take with me every year) and I have had a falling out that seems pretty unfixable, and my brothers (who I’ve finally learned to appreciate) may be leaving early, because their girlfriends don’t necessarily appreciate the tradition this mountain time brings..(or they just want to make fun, exciting traditions of their own..blah, blah, blah). Either way.. the trip promises to be bitter-sweet, like most of my changing traditions.

This song doesn’t need much explanation, but I sure wish that a certain guy in my life would get over himself enough to spend his holiday with me, so we can both be a little less lonely.

Free Fallin/Va Penseiro

So I’ve finally found a youtube video of a cover I’ve been trying to find for the past year, and I’d love to share it with you. This Russian singer/actress Elena Satine sang this incredibly amazing cover of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin,” in a cold case episode (crime shows are also another guilty indulgence of mine) last year, and I thought it was awesome how she combines this classic with Verdi’s “Va Pensiero,” from Nabucco. I’ll give you a little background for the episode, because it truly reflects on some of the issues I’m dealing with In a little more dramatic kind of way (I hopefully won’t end up dead in a subway..)

Elena plays a Russian immigrant whose father brought her to the US to sing classical music, while she’s attending NYU she falls fort the smooth pop style and starts taking lessons behind her father’s back. The scene in the youtube video is when her father discovers her singing on a street corner, and she shows him how versatile music can be by mixing Tom Petty with Italian Opera.

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of struggling with my craft, because I’m technically being trained to sing classical music, while my heart still completely lies in jazz.. & instead of having a crazy Russian father telling me I can’t sing the music I want to.. I just have little to no career opportunities with it. The result of sticking a jazz singer in an opera is definitely an identity crisis. This song was awesome, because I’ve spent the entire year studying Verdi in my freshman seminar (Va Penseiro is also a song about freedom, and it was so popular that the audiences would sing it during the performances), and I love Tom Petty, because I’ve recently done some free falling myself.

Gimme Sympathy

I’ve learned many lessons about life this year and the one concept that eventually sinks in is that it goes on.. It’s easy to look back and regret what we’ve done, or who we’ve been at certain points in our life, but what we make of the current moment is what propels us forward.

The catchy song that’s probably on everyone’s ipod right now is Metric’s “Gimme Sympathy.” I think this song is the perfect song to sum up the idea that life moves on, no matter how stuck we feel. You’re bound to “make mistakes when you’re young,” because those mistakes shape the mold that you eventually become. The first stanza is what being young is all about: getting too close to the flame, speaking your mind, and not having time to take pictures of all the memories you create, but eventually you’ll grow up and you can decide who you want to be, the Beatles or the Rolling Stones (or Britney Spears, but let’s not stray down that path, ok?).

Anyways… enough preaching. This song is amazing, and eventually your life will work itself out that way too (this excludes those of you who continue to do the same amount of drinking you do in college 20 years from now, and those of you who do coke with your morning class of OJ, then you’re going to need a little more help).

Ashamed

This isn’t a real music video.. so don’t judge it.

So tonight I’m going to do a two part blog. A blog on the past, and a blog on the future. This particular blog is about the past, and it is on my favorite Deer Park song “Ashamed.”

This song is brutal, rough, and nostalgic combined with a sort of calm complacency. His voice takes getting used to if you don’t like alternative music, but I’ve grown to love it over the years. He’s joked around that the song can be related to any shitty situation, but you can tell that he’s written for someone who has obviously taken a part of his soul, and although the title is pretty easy to figure out, the lyrics are complicated, thought driven, and far from Backstreet Boys (although I’ll give them cred in an upcoming blog.. we don’t discriminate here).

The addictive chorus (listen to this song once and I kid-you-not you will be singing it when you wake up in the morning) is the driving though) states the whole purpose of what the song is about, “what a crying shame, what we became.” It reaches out to all those relationships that melt into something different, and for me it’s always been something I’ve grown to expect. I’ve said it a hundred times in this blog, but it’s a natural instinct for me to push people away when they’ve gotten too close.. and honestly it’s hard to truly believe in the concept of “love” sometimes, because how many people actually feel the same way about their spouse in three years, let alone 72? It’s easy to look back and agonize about “what happened,” but sometimes it’s easier to just admit what a damn shame it was and move on.

Oxford Comma

As exams draw closed to an end it’s important to realize that they are not necessarily the end of the world. Too many times do we stress over the little things. We make up excuses for being sick, we lie to ourselves about how much time we really need to study, and we turn into little monsters, who are self absorbed into our own little “study worlds” that could come crashing down at any moment. What we don’t realize is that (excuse my French, but this is deemed necessary) in ten years, who is going to give a fuck about whether we made an A or a B in chem. lab? No one.

The song I encourage you all to sing is Vampire Weekend’s “Oxford Comma.” The song originated one day, when the lead singer, Ezra Koenig, passed by a group of kids petitioning for the oxford comma.. Six months later he thought about how stupid the argument was and a song was born to support a “who gives a fuck attitude” for anything.

I find this song to be helpful for any concept. It gives you something to dance to, and any artist who can make a serious reference to Little John’s “Get Low” deserves some cred. So take a chill pill, breathe, put down the red bull, and remind yourself that in a few years these hissy fits are going to seem superfluous.

Insomnia

So I don’t know how many people actually know this about me, but I’m an insomniac. I know what you’re thinking, “every college kid is an insomniac,” but seriously… I’m legit and I have meds which puts me a step ahead of everyone else.  “Insomnia,” by the Electric President, is probably one of the best songs to capture the feeling behind sleeplessness.

It’s amazing how truly slow time goes by when you’re up at night and unable to sleep, or actually get anything worthwhile accomplished. Time just moves “so damn slow,” till you start fading into this numbness. Nowadays, I pray that my doctor will never stop prescribing me ambient. It’s been almost 7 months since I’ve been on it, and I can’t imagine trying to last more than a day or so without it. My body, in particular my head, just does not want to shut off. I’m sure your shaking your head in disapproval, because most people think pills are harmful and “unnatural,” but who can really decide what’s natural, or real in this society where we all pop pills for happiness, sleep, anxiety, and a few more hours of studying? You may disapprove of it, you may have friends that do it, or you may participate in this newfound way people deal with things…, but either way you can’t change it. As long as I can put myself to sleep instead of dealing with the mind numbing pain you get from not sleeping for a week, I’m certainly not going to complain.

Honestly

The song I want to bring up tonight hits home really closely. It’s “Honestly” by the Cary Brothers, and it deals with the same anxieties I seem to be going through every night. I usually don’t post the entire song lyrics, but I think it’s appropriate.. and the songs not that long, so don’t grunt.

“Think I'm goin' home
I think I'm gettin' lost for a while
Tired of getting stoned
And thinkin' about you in the night

So I'll file away all my dreams
Though I still believe in everything

I wished your love away

Honestly over you
Honestly over you
One lie short of true
Honestly over you

Lookin' for some hope
Polished off the whiskey tonight
You turned a man to stone
For lookin' at you straight in the eyes

So I'll drive away with all my things
Though I've a faint belief in everything

I wished your love away
I wished your love away”

Nostalgia is the biggest bitch in the world. Lately my life is like a board game. Two steps forward and three steps back. Pass go to collect two hundred dollars, and then pay it back in taxes.. A never-ending sequence of events. I’ll be able to wish your love away, but then I think about you when the night comes. It’s hard. Life is hard. People promise that everything works itself out in the end, but why can’t we just move on with our lives? Can’t my heart have an on and off switch? Whatever, I guess I’ll continue to file away my hopes and dreams of perfect friendships and romances, and try to be “honestly over you.”

Fletcher Hodnett (yes, that would be my brother)

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I’d just like to do a short little shout out to my big brother, Fletcher. He picked up singing a few years ago, and he’s written some really decent stuff (ok, maybe more than decent, but I really don’t want to give him a big head). He has a very likeable yet “rough around the egdes” kind of voice that seems to improve with each song he puts out. I personally like “Maybe Dear” and “Seasons,” but his Bon Iver cover is pretty awesome.

Enjoy the new musical experience. :)
Hopefully someone or something will encourage him to perform this stuff live at some point.